It’s been a very long while since I revisited my Irish memories. I was looking over my leather-bound journal just now and came across the following entry:

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“I am not the woman I was three weeks ago. Three weeks ago I would have told you that I knew who I was, that I loved who I was, and that I was happy with the person looking back in the mirror. But if the “today me” met myself three weeks ago, I’d know that wouldn’t really be the truth.

I have been a great pretender of sorts up to this point. I carried myself with confidence virtually always, but there was always that niggling little feeling inside that maybe I just wasn’t good enough. Not good enough to go after the contracts I wanted, not good enough to try the things I wanted to try…just not quite good enough in some way.

This trip has changed me in so many ways, but perhaps the greatest change is coming to understand that I AM good enough. I don’t have to necessarily be better in any way, or shape or form because Deanna IS enough. This realization is life changing and I can tell you that I have fallen in love with being Deanna.

That might sound a bit arrogant and self-centred, but it’s the truth. I love and appreciate myself in ways I never dreamed possible before this trip. It’s like a veil has been lifted and I don’t have to pretend that I believe in myself. For years I held on to so many ridiculous notions; things I thought I had to think, say, or do because society expected it. I feel so free from the bondage of complying to false norms.

Embarking on this adventure seemed like a bit of whim in the beginning, ‘It’s no big deal – I like to talk to people, so touring Ireland alone will be easy’.

Well, it hasn’t been easy at times, but I pushed on. I found a well of resilience and tenacity within that I only ever pretended existed. Now I know it really is there. After conquering Healy Pass at dusk on my own in a near state of terror that I’d fail, I knew there was nothing I couldn’t do. After getting back on the bike when the lorry came within inches of my side bags, I felt stronger. OK, I admit I wasn’t stronger that day, but by the next morning, I recognized I’d morphed yet again.”

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I wrote that note four months ago already. When I think back to my pre-solo-road-trip self, I recall how I lacked authenticity. Those who know me likely wouldn’t say that, but deep down I knew it. Relying on no one but myself for that trip was kind of like breaking out of a shell; a buffer zone between my authentic self and the rest of the world. It was like I was afraid if the rest of the world caught a glimpse of the “inside me”, I’d find myself alone. What if I was too….Deanna?

So here I am. Loud and proud of my goofitude as much as my smartitude, and saying yes to every experience or adventure that comes my way!